


Confessions

by Madisuzy



Series: FF8 Musings [1]
Category: Final Fantasy VIII
Genre: Angst, Drama, Family, Fluff, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-02
Updated: 2011-02-02
Packaged: 2017-10-18 00:38:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/183077
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Madisuzy/pseuds/Madisuzy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Squall has a confession to make to his father and ends up getting one of his own.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Confessions

**Editing** – Calvi sama and Chephren

 **Author's notes** – This story includes my own explanation of why Laguna never returned to Raine and stayed in Esthar, not knowing of Squall's existence. It's a subject never clearly explained by Square Enix so it's left up to our own imaginations. Told from Squall's point of view.

* * *

Standing in Laguna's office, staring at the door to the private gardens, Squall tried to convince his body to move. He couldn't remember ever being this nervous before. Facing the sorceress in that final battle hadn't caused his hands to shake, his mouth to feel so dry or his heart to race in his chest like this. It was all so stupid really.

In the beginning, he hadn't even wanted a father.

When he'd first found out that the clumsy, goofy Laguna Loire was his father, he'd been shell shocked but he hadn't really had a chance to process the information. After all, they'd been on the way to the final battle against the sorceress and his mind had already been full of battle plans, worry and a million other things. He'd just let the fact slide to the back, shelving it for later as he'd tried to concentrate on surviving the next twenty four hours.

By the time the battle was over and he was lying back in his bed, staring at the ceiling as exhaustion washed over him, Laguna's confession had returned and hit him like a brick. Anger was his first reaction. Resentment that he'd suffered for all these years, alone and unloved, while his father lived in a virtual palace as the President of his own country, blissfully unaware of his existence. He'd held onto that feeling, wrapping it around his heart to protect himself as he buried everything else and continued on with his life.

He was seventeen at the time, hardened by a life that had taught him how he needed nobody but himself to get from one day to the next. Over the next few months, his resolve began to waiver as, buried deep in his subconscious, a small voice begged for it to be true. To belong, to have a parent that would love and care for him was a dream he'd thought he'd left behind in childhood. Squall tried to ignore it, burying it behind years of indifference and apathy but it kept whispering to him, somehow making itself heard through the ice around his heart.

He had a father….

Eventually, about six months later, he gave in to one of Laguna's invitations. It was just a simple lunch date, which quickly became a regular occurrence. A small meal filled with meaningless conversations that were uncomfortable and strained. Most of these get-togethers would end up with Squall growing silent while Laguna nervously tried to fill the awkwardness with words. The Commander was amazed at how long the older man could talk, seemingly having an unending supply of topics to ramble about as Squall sat back and listened, his face a blank slate.

Squall didn't even realize when the anger disappeared. One day, he just noticed it was gone. In its place was a strange feeling he couldn't label, a small kind of warmth when he thought of Laguna. Somehow, the goofy, childish innocence his father displayed had become endearing instead of aggravating. Somehow, instead of dreading their time together, Squall began to look forward to the meetings. He didn't understand why or how but he came to understand that Laguna had found a way into his heart and now it wasn't just a case of the older man wanting to know and spend time with his son. Squall wanted it too.

The meetings between them became more relaxed as Squall started contributing to the conversation and opening himself up to another person for the first time in his life. Laguna, of course, had noticed the change immediately and Squall couldn't help but smile at how happy it made his father. The previous nervousness and babbling disappeared, replaced by a warmth and affection that seemed to radiate from the older man. Squall bathed in it, never before realizing how much he'd always yearned for a father who could give him this, never before understanding how much his hardened soul longed for it.

The security and confidence it gave Squall began to seep into other areas of his life. He learnt to relax more around his friends, letting down his barriers a little and choosing to spend time with them rather than having to be forced into it. His friendship with Irvine, in particular, changed quickly. The two began training together daily, often ending the day in one another's company, discussing the Garden and where to lead the organization next over a beer. At first it was just professional friendship, but it soon developed into more.

The first time they'd kissed, Squall had been embarrassingly unprepared. Irvine hadn't even paused as the Commander had fumbled and tried to reciprocate even though he'd never kissed anyone properly before. Yes, he had shared a couple of small kisses with Rinoa before his disinterest had pushed her away, but Irvine's kiss was in a completely different category to any of those.

Squall knew his own kiss was sloppy and awkward but Irvine didn't seem to mind. The cowboy nibbled on his lips and crooned comforting words as his hands cupped Squall's face and suddenly, all his inexperience meant nothing. Finally, he just closed his eyes and let himself drown in the feeling, following Irvine's lead. Then he'd stumbled, somehow losing his footing and ending up flat on his backside, mortified to realize he'd pulled the cowboy down into a sprawled heap on top of himself. Squall had suddenly felt so much like Laguna's son at that moment, for the first time feeling that maybe there were similarities between them, although he'd never admit it out loud.

He'd looked up slowly, expecting to see anger or at least disappointment in Irvine's eyes, only to find amusement as Irvine smiled, telling him how honored he was to finally make the Commander of Garden weak in the knees. Squall had responded by reddening even further as he tried to stutter out an apology but Irvine silenced his words with another kiss, pulling back to tell him that he never needed to apologize for letting himself feel. Squall knew right then that he belonged with Irvine.

As their relationship progressed, Squall had wanted to keep things quiet and private, a view which was lost on Irvine. The cowboy saw the Commander's wish for discretion as a sign of Squall being embarrassed to be with him and eventually, this point of conflict had erupted into an embarrassing public display of affection from Irvine. The fact the whole of Balamb Garden now knew that their Commander was gay and dating the cowboy, left him only one option… He had to tell Laguna before the gossip made its way back to Esthar.

So, here he was, standing in front of the door that would lead him out into his father's private gardens, staring at the floor and trying to gather his courage. A million questions and doubts swirled through his mind, stopping him from moving forward. The foremost question being, how would Laguna react to the news his only son was gay?

Would he treat him differently, gaze at him in disappointment? Would Squall lose his father because of this, just when he'd started to need him? While he and his father had been getting closer every day, there was still so much they didn't know about each other. Squall had no idea how Laguna felt towards same sex relationships, having never discussed the subject with him but he also knew that his preference for men would have to be revealed eventually.

Finally, Squall pushed himself to move, opening the door and stepping out into the sunlight slowly. The gardens were huge, stretching out over a few acres and teaming with life. Laguna was nowhere in sight, so the Commander walked down the pathway beside the huge hedges that divided the different sections, pausing to check each one as he went.

He was almost ready to give up and look elsewhere for his father, thinking that maybe the secretary he'd asked had been mistaken regarding his whereabouts, when he rounded a corner and heard voices. Walking down to the nearest gap in the hedge, he slowed, recognizing the owners instantly.

"Laguna, there is no way you can change the past," Kiros' deep voice stated, making Squall pause in announcing his arrival, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Hnnn… maybe you're right. I can't help wishing I could though," Laguna murmured.

Squall had never heard his father sound so sad and serious before. He silently edged around the corner, ducking down behind a bush and peering through the branches at the two men before him. Kiros was sitting on the grass, leaning against the stone wall that edged the gardens. Squall's eyes went wide when he saw Laguna, sitting between Kiros' legs and leaning back against his chest. Laguna's eyes were closed and his hands rested on his assistant's, which were wrapped around Laguna's waist. Squall stared at them, both looking far too comfortable for this to be a recent development.

"Do you regret being with me so much?" Kiros asked, his own eyes open and staring out into the trees. Suddenly, Laguna was sitting up, shuffling around to kneel facing his companion with a startled look on his face.

"No! Of course I don't regret being with you. I would never change that about my past and you should know that," he exclaimed, frowning at Kiros, as one hand lifted to pick a leaf from his friend's hair. "You and Squall are two things I will never regret."

"But you miss my point, love. If you hadn't been so confused about us, you wouldn't have tried to have a normal life with Raine, wouldn't have married her or created Squall with her. To go back in time and change one thing, would change it all," Kiros reasoned, smiling gently.

"But I hurt her," Laguna murmured, his hand moving down to toy with the pendant hanging around Kiros' neck. As he let it go, Squall realized it wasn't a pendant, but what looked like a wedding ring, hanging from a simple silver chain. "I can still remember the look on her face when I told her that I… that I still loved you. The pain in her eyes was all my fault… all caused by my stupidity, as usual."

"You're not stupid, Laguna. You just took awhile to realize what you really wanted. Considering your own parents opinion of same sex relationships, it's not surprising you struggled with it," Kiros continued, his hand coming up to surround Laguna's and lift it to his lips for a quick kiss. "I know you loved Raine. Just not in the way she wanted you to. It would have been wrong for you to keep pretending, after you'd worked out where your heart truly belonged."

"But I would have been there for Squall," Laguna whispered, so softly that Squall only just heard it.

"It was her choice to keep her pregnancy a secret. If she'd been honest and told you before you left to find Ellone, we would have gone back for him when she passed away. Squall would never have been sent to the orphanage and we could have raised him together," Kiros replied, looking away from Laguna's gaze. "I'm sorry, but while I do feel regret that she was hurt, I can't help but feel angry that she never told you that you were to be a father. Yes, she had a right to be angry, but to keep that from you was just vindictive."

Laguna frowned, silence falling over both men as the birds continued to chirp in the nearby trees and the wind softly mussed Laguna's hair. "I think she planned to tell me, after he was born. After all, she knew me well enough to know I would never have left to look for Ellone if I'd known she was pregnant. She'd already lost me and the thought of never seeing Ellone again probably directed her decision," Laguna eventually murmured, making Kiros turn back towards him and sigh.

"Maybe you're right. I never thought of it from that perspective before," he said softly, both hands moving to cup Laguna's face. "You always search for a person's best intentions, something I find so hard to do. Even after all these years, I still have so much to learn from you."

Laguna blushed, trying to turn away from Kiros' eyes but he was held firm. "I really wish you wouldn't say stuff like that," he mumbled. "You're the smart one, not me."

"You're smart when it comes to people, love. You always have been," Kiros replied, leaning forward and pausing, just a hair's breadth away from Laguna's lips. "Besides… I could never love a fool."

When they began to kiss, Squall looked away, sitting down where he was crouched on the ground to digest what he'd overheard. He'd always wanted to ask Laguna about what had happened, all those years before, but had never found the opportunity to bring up such a volatile topic. Squall had also been a little afraid that his father had lied about not knowing about his existence, maybe too afraid to admit it after all these years. It was a relief to know he had told the truth and that if Laguna had known, he would have come back for him.

Thinking of his mother didn't bring up any anger either, Laguna's view of her reasons softening the blow of finally _believing_ she had kept her pregnancy secret. He found he also felt no anger towards Laguna for marrying Raine when he was unsure of his true feelings. After all, Squall had almost done the exact same thing with Rinoa, but thankfully he'd realized his mistake before things had gotten serious.

Glancing back through the bush towards the other two men, Squall raised one eyebrow as he noticed their embrace becoming more intense. Kiros' hands were moving up under the back of Laguna's shirt as his father straddled his lover's legs, their bodies pressed close together as they continued to kiss each other deeply. Squall was left with only two choices. He could sneak away and wait elsewhere for them to finish or interrupt them. Unfortunately, his decision was made for him when he glanced at his watch and noticed the time. He was only scheduled to spend an hour in Esthar and half of that had already been wasted.

Standing up, he walked towards the distracted men with a grin on his face, clearing his throat loudly once he was close enough for them to hear. Laguna's reaction nearly made him laugh out loud, his father jumping off of Kiros' lap so quickly that he ended up falling backwards, a look of shock and fear on his face. Kiros, on the other hand, barely flinched as he looked up at Squall with a frown before recognizing who he was. His expression changed to one of concern as he gave the Commander a small smile back, reaching forward to pull Laguna into a sitting position almost automatically.

"Good afternoon, Squall. What brings you to Esthar today? Nothing bad, I hope?" Kiros asked, his voice even as he glanced from Squall to Laguna, judging his words carefully. Laguna was blushing and opening and closing his mouth, apparently attempting to speak but failing to find any words.

"I needed to talk to Laguna about something," Squall said, giving what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

"Breathe, Laguna," Kiros said with a grin, his eyes still on Squall. "I can give you two some privacy…." He began standing up as if to leave until Squall interrupted him.

"Not necessary," Squall insisted, his eyes darting away. "It's just something I needed to inform the President about before the media or the gossip lines beat me to it."

"Media? Gossip?" Laguna managed to blurt out, joining Kiros and Squall on his feet as a worried frown fell over his face. "What happened? Are you alright? Is there anything I can do to help?" the President began to ramble as he stepped closer to the Commander.

"No, everything is okay. I just needed to tell you that I'm…," Squall's voice caught in his throat and he frowned. The words still didn't want to come, even though he now knew his father was in a relationship with Kiros. The Commander ran a hand through his hair, trying to work out what it was that made this so fucking difficult.

"Squall?" Laguna asked, a hand coming up as if to comfort but falling away before contact was made. The gesture made the Commander look up at his father, a little embarrassed that it was his own fault that Laguna was skittish about physical contact with him. Squall actually found himself wanting that fatherly touch, the reassurance and closeness of it missed for so many years.

Taking a deep breath, Squall cleared his swirling thoughts as his eyes darted between the two men before him. "Maybe I should just start at the beginning," he finally murmured, his hand flexing in a subconscious need for the security of his gunblade. "I met someone… someone who has become very important to me," he began slowly, his gaze locking onto his father's.

"Is it someone we know?" Laguna said, a thread of excitement twisting through his words. Squall smiled, knowing that his father had always been concerned about his solitary habits and longed for his son to be settled. Unfortunately, Squall had a feeling that the older man was looking forward to grandchildren, something that wasn't going to be a possibility.

"Yes, it is. We've been dating for around six months now and while I wanted to keep our relationship private, he had other ideas," Squall continued.

"He?" Laguna blurted out, looking at his son with wide eyes. "I… um… you have a boyfriend?"

"Yes, I do," Squall murmured, searching his father's gaze for his reaction. Laguna's eyes were alive with emotions, so many flickering past that Squall couldn't catch a single one so he plowed on regardless, eager to get the whole experience over with. "Irvine and I decided to move in together a couple of days ago. It became pointless to hide our relationship anymore after he made a public spectacle of us last week."

"Ir-Irvine?" Laguna stuttered, his arm moving down to rub his leg. "He's the cowboy, isn't he?" Squall noticed Kiros moving to stand behind his father and realized why when Laguna's leg crumpled, sending him downwards. Kiros caught him, lowering him to the ground and moving to kneel beside him and rub the offending limb.

"Yes, he is," Squall replied, sitting himself on the other side of Laguna, noticing for the first time how Kiros automatically catered to his father's needs.

"Does he make you happy?" Laguna asked, his eyes hopeful.

"Yes, he does," Squall answered, looking up to meet his father's relieved smile. "It's still new, but promising. I just didn't want you finding out from someone else."

"I suppose me telling you about Kiros and I is kinda pointless now?" Laguna said softly, Kiros beginning to chuckle as his hands stilled on the President's leg.

"Yeah, it is," Squall responded, a grin curling one side of his lips. "How long have you two been…?"

"Well… ah… around seventeen years," Laguna mumbled, his eyes darting away from Squall's as he blushed. "It doesn't mean I didn't love your mother though. It's just we… I…."

"It's okay, Laguna. I think I understand. For me, I didn't know what I wanted with Rinoa. I loved her, but it wasn't in the way she wanted or needed," Squall murmured, remembering what he'd overheard just moments before. It was kind of odd, finding out his father was gay when he'd just spent the last week stressing over telling him of his own sexual orientation, but odd in a good way. All the stress and worry was suddenly gone, leaving a calm relief in its wake.

"Thank you," Laguna whispered softly, his voice cracking a little. Squall noticed Kiros' hand move over to grasp Laguna's, both older men's eyes meeting. Seeing the devotion and love in their gaze made Squall realize that this is what he wanted too. He had no idea if his relationship with Irvine would last as long, but the fact Laguna and Kiros had made their own relationship work, despite his father's public profile, gave Squall the hope he'd been searching for.

.

**The End…**


End file.
